This entrance is a little more personal than I intended for my blog to be, but while I'm feeling so elevated I just need to get it out of my system.
In one month's time, it is like my entire sensory palate woke up from a lengthy coma. Music, language, art, environment is coming in so clearly. That is not to suggest my future is so definite- but that is what is keeping things fresh.
Speaking of fresh, what a city! I am writing from a hostel in the middle of San Francisco, California. For an East Coaster, particularly that of a New Yorker, I am weary of what most outsiders call "cities." Yes, Minneapolis, Buffalo, Phoenix and other such metropolitan areas are indeed cities. They have plenty of things to offer- typically good food and good people. But there is atmosphere missing that gives it a "city" feel. In the case of Phoenix, an urban oasis does not equate to the feel that a "city" should.
Reminder: not to disparage any of the locations I mentioned.
But San Francisco...it just feels, well, right. There are no sudden plans to relocate blindly yet I feel quite attached.
Several years ago I reached a crossroads in my life- I was not sure where I was headed and didn't even seem to care. Personal issues ran rampant and my musical and spiritual judgment was severely clouded. That is when my mentor and dear friend Gerald Gray allowed me to join him on one of his singing expeditions in this city. I was introduced to the finest baroque music, third wave espresso, beautiful houses, the Etude winery, In n Out Burger - but most of all the fruits of hard work and integrity. It was a trip that I will always be thankful for and to him I owe the utmost gratitude. There are very few people that I have met in my life like Gerald and if it were not for him I would have never experienced any of this. When I returned to Fredonia I took more control, gained ground, refocused and thrust myself back into art and love. And respect.
I found myself in December in a similar place; luckily not so extreme but the internal pangs I felt were too reminiscent. I lost artistic integrity, lost touch with people that mattered, lost myself in the bottle and lost time spent doing what should matter most. 2009 was not an entire waste but just because you finish a race doesn't mean you won it either. A bitter taste left in my mouth and certain people were forced to share the meal.
It was time to do a little soul searching and rediscovery.
On Wednesday I had lunch with David Britton. He is such a thought provoking man. He is my current voice teacher- but I like to think of him as friend and also as a guru. With each of his linguistic undulations I become more mentally stimulated and more impassioned. That evening I sang BWV 248 in the Arizona Bach Festival with the Phoenix Chorale, another great honour. The next morning I packed my bags.
And here I am. Within last dusk and dawn I have spoken and sung in three different languages, sipped wine with two lovely ladies- one from Boston and one from Norway, breathed in cold air, practiced for the upcoming opera, discussed the arts and whether of not it could ever completely be an altruistic venture, enjoyed a real latte and slept on the top bunk of a bed in a room from three other men- none of whom are American.
...and had my first epiphany. I am completely ignorant to the world around me. A familiar GG mantra continues to burn in my head..."You think you know, but you don't." And it finally time to stop being so concerned with what the next step is and start learning again. REALLY LEARNING. San Francisco is the perfect place for all of that. In a deep conversation with my mother last night she mentioned that I should live every day like it is an adventure. She is absolutely right. I have taken my time at ASU for granted, not given myself fully to my craft and have not taken the lessons taught by those who really have faith in me seriously lately. And why? I am not even sure. But again, it's the feeling inside you that should explain it- not words.
I am ready and I cannot thank my mentors and some of my dearest friends for their patience.
My return to Phoenix will be bittersweet but my overall outlook, I can already anticipate, will be greatly improved.
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