what?

"I resolve to be more careful
I resolve to take more care
I resolve to make the impossible possible
I resolve to have my way
All these resolutions - all on New Year's Day."

I left Molly and Joe's with my head held strangely high. After one more night of self-loathing I knew it was time to depart and try to figure out exactly what it is that is missing. I've deduced that until I am ready to stop running, I will keep running. So run I did– to Fredonia, to see Gerald. He and Shinobu are always so kind when I come around- they are my George Sand. An evening of fine scotch, fine beer, a divine black bean soup and catching up by the fire. Being with Gerald always rejuvenates my spirit to sing because he understands it so well. His success and stability came with many experiences similar to those I am experiencing right now. And after a night's rest I hit the road with a four mile run and Mighty Taco. And Kerouac's "On The Road: Unabridged" that Gerald gifted to me (the audiobook). I listened to it the entire ride to Toronto and was brimming with delight and that feeling of, 'yeah, I hear you, man.' I'm hitching no rides nor am I a hobo, per say. But like Kerouac, I am running...just not from anything in particular but for experience and experiences. Life. Running for my life.

Last night I drove around Toronto. Fuck- I want to live here. So many places I could be - too little places I should be. None of these things I could do if I were married. This city has so much food...culture...vitality...friendliness...cleanliness...beer. Last night was one of those nights that my closest like Flaxman one would associate with me. "Only Eric..." Parked the car, went to a show, left at intermission (Funny Thing was the least funny thing), met a German girl at the hostel, met a bartender, partied with a group of moms, went back to a condo overlooking the Lake, took a taxi back at 4:00 AM, propositioned by an odd gentleman asking where the closest threesome was and if I'd ever be interested in men. And up at 9:30 AM to take a Toronto tour with the German girl and three of her friends. Happy New Year?

Or am I getting too old for this? I'm only twenty-five. An odd age where I feel so accomplished, and yet, I've not accomplished three-quarters of what I want to. My actions are either too old or too juvenile. My potential has not even been tapped in the ways that I want for them to, yet people say that for my age my experience is impressive. Keep moving forward is the name in the game for 2011. I have no major New Year's resolutions other than move up. Step up. Grow up. Get on and get gone- the year I go global. By 2012 I want to speak German near fluently. I want to go to Europe for the first time. I want to experience the best in life with the best people in life. And I suppose I will not be so concerned about finding missing pieces - especially since the ones I pick up generally do not fit anyhow. Life will take it's course and I cannot wait until it does.

I am not crazy. I just see so many things that other people don't.

Sie ist hier. Ich muss laufen. Gott segne Toronto!