Last night I made a huge discovery. I am ready for something completely different in my life aside from health habits and where I wake up each morning. Would it not be nice to change your name for just a couple hours and start entirely fresh? Is it not difficult to maintain a certain persona or keep up with the rhetoric, the same one-liners, the same mind games...all of those things that infringe upon art and entertainment that artists and entertainers should be concentrating on?
I know. I am over-sensitive and get really emphatic when it comes to seeing through people's deceit, misrepresentation and lack of depth or understanding. It is only because I have faith there are people out there who seek more than "the next step." The bullshit is my chassis - and in the arts it is suffocating. Unavoidable. Last night I went out with a friend I've kept in contact with via internet social networking for nearly four years. When I arrived I expected an adventurous weekend with live music, Cajun food and no over-tempered arguments about whose art is better than whose. Within three hours I felt like I could not be myself because of my "quirks." I felt highly uncomfortable in a dance club where I knew no one; all the while watching middle aged women and men desperately search for their youth among youth. I eventually left and sought a wine bar- serenity...with the exception that I met a young actress who believed she was going to take the world by force and needed nobody but her "agents" (she is not even close to an Equity card by this point). Blind. Angry. Frustrated by ignorance. But trapped- this conversation with the crayfish infuriated me largely because it is only one more instance exemplifying that this country is like this business: for as interconnected as it can be there seems to be great disconnect.
"I know... what a small world...I can't believe...he/she..." And I tried to be helpful to this girl... "I know someone who..." and she looked at me like I was an air guitarist at a Van Halen concert- nice try but not real. "Thanks, but, that won't be necessary."
She started listing roles she's performed (not mentioning, of course, community theatre experience and though there is nothing wrong with community theatre it certainly was not painted too clearly by her). The following excerpt is paraphrased but transcribed as best as I can remember. The pinot noir at this bar was extraordinary.
E: "Do you have any recordings of this on Myspace? YouTube?"
C: [panicked] "..."
E: "What?"
C: "..."
"Well I know there are a couple things on YouTube, but I'd prefer nobody watch
them."
E: "Is it borderline pornography?"
C: [feigned laughter] "No, it's just, I want people to respect my privacy. I know
there are girls out there that want to put it out there, and ten agents that I
know all insist that I have materials for online access but I tell them 'No. I can
do this without it. I will do this my way, and if you don't like it then I don't
need you.'"
E: "Well have not you read about all those stories about people getting cast in shows
in bars like this? I mean, connections are everything and you never know...one
minute your sharing a drink with a director or producer unbeknown to you and then
the next minute they are asking for business cards and looking for you on
websites?"
C: [becoming heated] "Trust me- all my agents have told me the same thing. You are
not the first and will not be the last to talk about this."
E: "Frankly, you say you perform these roles and then what if someone doesn't
believe you- there are thousands of girls that performed the same roles and have
more accessibility than you do."
C: "I don't care. I have stronger drive than anyone else in this country."
E: "All due respect, don't you think that is an unjustifiable comment to make? I
know at least fifty to a hundred girls trying to make it in New York right now
and all have some of the hardest work ethic of anyone I've ever met."
C: "Good for you, and good for your friends. I don't really care, but I wish those
girls well in their art. I work harder and have worked with people on Broadway.
I will stop at nothing."
E: [astounded, asking for cheque] "Well, okay. Good luck and if you want me to put you in contact with..."
C: [interrupting] "...thanks, but that really won't be necessary. Oh, are you leaving?"
E: "Yeah, I'm gonna bounce. [Extending hand for handshake]
C [four foot distance hug] "Baby, you gotta know we hug down here."
A hug? For someone who insulted the work ethic of everyone I know in New York City, impoverished, exhausted, stretched beyond limits, and LIVING IT? I have more respect for my friends and colleagues in the City trying to hoof it on the daily. They're financially and emotionally depleted. They are existing strictly on fumes and instinct. Auditions are not even received but they look for a way in anyway. They search for every angle possible to perform and to be seen- internet, in person, hand-out advertisement- the works. This girl just completed a degree in a University and securely on Daddy's money (admittedly) where she apparently rarely performed because it was beneath her. She is going on a two month sight seeing tour of Europe before moving into her first New York apartment- 50s and 8th. She also tried to impress herself with the speculation of what she "wants to do" and not "what she's going to do."
Sure, I could say, "Yes, well there's a possibility that I'll be singing at the Metropolitan Opera."
A hug. For someone who clearly thought that I was a liar and probably some burned out college kid and not a working musician? A hug? Really? What a kind act of hometown nicety and what a genuine character she is.
And they are all like that. Gerald and David are right. Stay above it, without being above everyone else. Be honest. Be humble. Never misrepresent yourself. Trust your instincts and let them guide you. Remember that music is your connection to the infinite- the rest is utter bullshit.
Is this frustration because of my over-sensitivity? Am I the one who needs to take a step back? All I want is to inspire...to be helpful... to indulge, yet, selflessly.
I received a text message last night asking me what my opinion on board games was. When I called back with an answer, I was given an answer that I was not expecting. "Just remember Eric, that what you do matters to everyone else. And perhaps what you do, since it matters to everyone else, should matter more to you. You matter, but what you do matters more to people. That is why art is so self-sustaining. Because you are the one passing it on to other people." Wise words- from one who is not working in music.
And honest.
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