I am twenty-five years old. There is plenty to learn and opportunities are abound in every direction yet...is there more than what I am limiting myself to right now? I am wondering if I will ever be satisfied with anything? I realize now that my sheer natural instinct is to run from everything all the time. Seeing the positives about anything, be it relationship, job, family, whatever, is becoming more and more difficult daily. I'm angrier. Is my East Coast edge coming back? Is my pent up aggression due to my decision to cease from running for a month (back into it today...mile four was where I needed to call it off)?
On the positive side, autumn in Western Massachusetts is exactly how it has been described by those who have lived it. Undeniably euphoric. Up until about a week ago the colours were spectacular, the cider abundant and the crisp cool air a bit stringent to warm nostrils, but able to get used to. Living here in this time of the year has shown improvement in my overall mood and productivity. Also I cannot say enough about how I enjoy teaching my students. Helping them discover their voices and invite emotions yet untapped onto their palette is highly enjoyable. My private lessons are great and am learning a lot from my teachers.
Still, I find something missing...
Also some recent events have derailed my motion a bit. I choose not to elaborate.
I meant for this blog to a public forum to keep my friends and family in tact with where I've been, who I have met and the music I encounter. Tony recommended that I should start a more private diary where I can just...write. Anything that is on the top of my head. Perhaps I'll try that- when I'm not too busy thinking about the needs and desires of other people for a while.
Is it academia?
I want to go to Germany in the worst way. I also know I'm not living to my full potential. Dreams of rockstardom still float in my head. Being an icon- whether it be musical, political, social, sexual...whatever. The conclusion that I have a narcissistic personality, if not a disorder, has finally been accepted. Rather than trying to deaden it I am constantly looking for ways to use it to my benefit- to see, touch, smell, feel, the world.
And it's not strictly ALL for me. I give too. I give a lot. I want to - (back to I, right? Would I give if I didn't want to give?) Yes...I do.
I am going to spend the little free time I have this week to see where the great Western Music icons were when they were twenty-five. Though reaching that type of legacy is not in my future plans, a little perspective may do me some good.
I'm with you on this one Mick...I can't get no satisfaction either.
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